Thursday, March 14, 2013


Diddly dum, it's January, diddly doot, Here's February! Oh dear, I've caught The Flu. No, not THAT flu, the one I was vaccinated for, the OTHER one, as I presented myself to the doctor, stuffy, snurffly, completely exhausted.  "Weeeeellll-- itmayhavestartedasviralbut it'sdefinitelybacterialnow.  Here's your antibiotic."  Which worked very nicely, but for being so knackered I learned the intricate weave pattern of our high-thread-count sheets over the next two and a half weeks. That's most of February done by the time I crawl back to work, but then ZOMG,  it's 


A total yarn-gasm, five days of fiber-y awesome. This was my fifth Stitches since I started knitting in 2009, and it was a blow-out-- Helen Devine came from Pittsburg, Knit Cafe Abby camped out with me, CogKnitive Podcast's Dr. Gemma bunked with the Knitmores and Bèbè Knitmore made several extremely cheerful and well-behaved public appearences, with her handler the Most Excellent Daddy, Andrew.              

A whole mad bunch of us filled out Lily Chin's Bust Darts class thursday, then Mary Kay Carol and I carried on to Marly Bird's fantastic Curvy Knits class friday. Both of which collectively count as The Best Class I've Ever Taken.  We explored the nature of being fuller-figured.  Busty.  Plump.  Of following patterns faithfully, having taken the requisite few standard measurements, namely bust and maybe waist and upper arm or shoulders, but not often, then just zooming along.  Then ending up with: A jumper which is puzzlingly shorter in front after absailing sometimes prodigious boobage. One which fits like a sack due to poor shaping when the designer can't be bothered; or has a neckline ample enough for a two-headed baby calf because the pattern writer took their lovely size-6 pattern, plugged it into a computer program which extrapolated from bust measurements and made no appropriate decreases over the shoulders to the neck as per standard human anatomy.

We graphed.  We did Geometry.  We did Maths.  Just before the break in Lily's class I nearly had a nervous breakdown, but Carol talked me off the ledge.  A 'Dart', if you will examine, perhaps, your favorite fitted dress or skirt, properly distributes fabric around curvy areas of your anatomy.  It seems easy with sewing--pinch the extra material from the inside, secure and sew. The trick with knitting is, you're working with negative space.  You literally chart out a triangle of negative space, stitches you will never knit, then knit a Curve in the Fabric of Space and Time. Stephen Hawking's got nuthin' on me now.

Next day in Marly's class we were given a magnificent packet full of segments containing a woman's form, diagrams of a specific area of measurements and the maths for that area. As with Lily's class, we learned that measurements are everywhere--lengths of everything, distances between, well, ya know...everything. Shoulder to shoulder, Shoulder to hip, nip to...yup, everything.  Unless you want 1963's On-Trend Bullet Boobs, you better measure those "Bust Points".  Meaning that I now hold the Keys to the Jumper Designing Universe.  I can take Lily's Short Row Bust Darts, insert them into Marly's Chart 5, Do a Little Dance, Eat a Little Pie, et VOILÀ! Have a sweater design, including properly designed set-in arms, which will fit who I really am.

So who am I?  I'm the girl who was insecure and pointless four years ago, and laid off from a law firm, so I walked into a yarn shop and said Howdy.  I'm the girl who is weird and wonderful and crazy-ass and colorful and strange, but never knows who she is from the inside.  A dreamer, yes, but tidy and practical and reassuring.  I am a Virgo and an Earth Ox.  I love to cook and party and knit and party and hang out and party because four years ago I entered a weird and wonderful and crazy-ass family of colorful and strange people, and Stitches is our Woodstock.  I'm the girl who yells out in Lily Chin's Short Row Bust Darts class:  "SO--BUST DARTS ARE HEEL FLAPS FOR TITS!!!!!" 

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