Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Candy Coated Cane

Yesterday, Tuesday 12 April, was beautiful and sunny here in Silicon Valley. I had to use my inhalers it was so beautiful. Inhalers mean I'm great for the rest of the day and sleep like a strung-out acid freak. Nightmares ahoy, and my inner crochety Jerk-o-Saur, Bern, comes hobbling out of the darkest recess of my soul, shaking his cane at the stupid, improbable, and should-be-terminated.

Bern is the namesake of someone I employed many years ago in the book business. He was a genius, a writer, an expert in many things, and possessed of the most keenly-honed dark side paired with an indelible wit. I had the deepest, most meaningful Beard-mance with him ever. He broke up with his partner and moved back to New York, breaking my heart *more* than my (then) recent divorce. He was everything strong and opinionated I, in my mid-20's desperately needed. Now in my late 30's, I have found him within me, black-hearted, grouchy and mean in ways I never believed myself capable of, but if we are honest, life truly requires of us. I have rejoiced in our reunion.

Just HIS luck, after a wretched night we woke up to gray skies and pouring rain in the middle of April. Jedi Jasmin and I forayed to Costco yesterday, where she acquired the Large Bag of brown sugar. I had a nightmare that I had stumbled into a field of sugar cane, with people dancing and singing while picking cane. But the field boss, at first explaining that everyone had signed up for this, as a vacation cooking class, suddenly turned sinister and didn't want me to see it. It turned into a field of semi-zombies chanting about changing the regime, reminding me of a Flogging Molly song Tobacco Island, or an episode of Alton Brown's Feasting on Waves about Jamaica.

Then I came downstairs, poured some cereal and flipped on the telly, where Lucky Charms and other General Mills cereals are touted on ads as being the fun, happy morning source of wholesome nutrition for your children-3g of Fibre per serving!!. As I poked online for cereal info, I found that even (third Google search result) is painfully neutral when stating the nutrition facts of this neon sugar-fest.

Yah, like Bern and I are some tree-hugging crystal-gripping dirt-munching druids. Depending on the severity of Life Events, I will- *WILL* -be found in a dark corner snarfing Cocoa Puffs and Pirate Booty straight from the bags, snarling and lashing viciously at any who dare interrupt.

OH! and PayDay candy bars!! I am a Candy Freak!!! The biggest Candy Freak in 50 miles, prove it if I ain't!! But as of last week's new ad campaign every PayDay bar is "Sweet Nutrition, Sweet Energy!". No, what it is, is a roll of caramel covered in salty peanuts. Which is Heaven. I LOVE IT. But don't go round tarting the thing up as frakkin' health food, Hershey, it's an insult to the hallowed institution of Junk Food. Junk Food, Bern will have you know, is no pejorative, Junk Food is sacred, it is Subversive, it is Tasty, it is Grown Up. Junk Food is when you need to put down the crisps bag and wipe your greasy hand on your cardigan so you can get your SkyBar open. It is NOT "Nutrition".

Well, the wheezing sounds following that little tirade means we're due for another puff, Mister. So it's Medication Time and Bern says our prescriptions need refilled at Powell's in Willow Glen. Cheerios from me and Bah from Bern. Hope your day is sunnier.
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